Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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