did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
please don't ironically join a cult
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