Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
