it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
