happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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