Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
