Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
