I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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