hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
