the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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