Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
