Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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