i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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