he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
