They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
