Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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