well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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