the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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