it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
