is your mom at the bar?
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you traded sex for a burrito?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
