he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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