Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize