My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
