and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
