The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
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You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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