I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
