i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
