Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
