i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
