first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
