Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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