If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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