I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
