i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
