hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
