Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
