Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
