Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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