I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
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i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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