When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
