watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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