Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
