I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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