I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
