If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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