Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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