Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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