Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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