saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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