Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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