Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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