I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.