I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.