You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
