I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
