apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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