Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We're too hungover to prance.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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