i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
