Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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