I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
