Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
