Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
